I was leading a Core Strength Vinyasa Yoga practice for a group of yoga teachers the other day, and one of them asked me afterwards why I prefer to cartwheel out of an overzealous handstand rather than drop over into a backbend. Poses that require lumbar movement are a real challenge for me, not because of a lack of flexibility or strength–my lumbar spine has hardly any curve. It’s a bone compression thing, one I won’t be able to change no matter how hard I try. And, believe me, I tried WAY too hard for years.
I’m more than slightly competitive by nature, so naturally when I began my yoga practice, I coveted all the stately, arching poses I couldn’t do. From the first Sun Salutation, I rushed past Cobra in favor of Up Dog. To me, Bridge wasn’t a pose, just an impatient pit-stop on my express lane into Wheel.
I held a death grip on my ideal pose: Forearm Stand Scorpion … and I wouldn’t let it go, until it became the straw that (literally) almost broke my back. One day, spine be damned, I forced myself past my healthy edge. The result was a herniated disc that pressed right into my sciatic nerve, and for 6 months, I was regressed to prenatal Cobra Pose.
One day, while grumbling through the tiniest seed of low Bridge Pose while the rest of the class was in full Wheel, I realized something amazing: This backbend actually felt good! It was well-supported and my heart was able to expand from the strong root underneath.
My newfound awareness of how backing off had actually helped me find the equilibrium I’d sought, opened my eyes to the fact that grasping for external success at the expense of internal balance wasn’t just my tendency in the yoga pose, but also in my life. I looked around me and saw jealousy showing up everywhere. My inability to be confident in my own skin was causing all my relationships–and me–to suffer.
If my partner spoke to someone I thought was better looking than me, I would feel immensely insecure. I had a hard time feeling truly happy for my friend who got a sudden financial windfall because I didn’t have as much. Whether on or off the mat, I wanted more, to be better than everyone, to have nothing left to want or attain before I would be satisfied.
Yogis call this parigraha, the yogic term for “grasping at externals,” or being unable to let go of the ego’s desires and access your own inherent satisfaction. It’s one of the biggest causes of dukha, or living in pain. As I progressed in my yoga studies, it became crystal clear that I was wasting a lot of energy looking outside of myself for my center.
Getting conscious meant I had to surrender my grasp on the fantasy and step into the reality. I began to let go of my idea of what I “should” be able to do, and started owning who I was and be where I needed to be. The happy result of this practice of owning my truth is that I relaxed at a deep core level, and chronic jealousy disappeared from my life. I can honor my friends and students for their accomplishments, because I’m just as fully at work rocking who I am.
When we practice aparigraha, or releasing the death grip on externals as our only source of happiness, we actually create another kind of hold–this time a powerful merging with our own core connection. We unite with our natural wellspring of self-created joy and can truly become a positive part of our community.
My body may not backbend beyond a cranky full wheel, but it is made for poses that require core strength like handstand and arm balances. Since we teach what we know, I’ve made this strength into my style. I’m so glad I finally saw that who I was would serve me better than who I wasn’t.
I encourage you to do the same, in any aspect of your life where you perceive something (or someone) outside of you as the thing that controls your confidence, empowerment, and peace. The power of yoga, or unity with one’s truth, is that coping and co-dependence dissolve in the light of your self-generated OK-ness. It’s an old cliché, but to do this, you have to decide to believe that you’re enough, just as you are–and then take actions that mirror that view. In time, this shift from parigraha to aparigraha will become your new truth.
Now, when I teach, I make sure to give multiple variations, and encourage the students to find and play their own unique edges. “No matter what your level or ability, your poses are all equally valuable as your personal vehicle of transformation,” I say. And I notice that if I don’t grasp at their practices, or enforce attainment of the more advanced poses, it tames the green-eyed monsters in the room to hear it.
Do I still covet the effortless rainbow spines of my fellow yogis? Sometimes. But now I know it doesn’t define me. I listen to my body in any given moment, let my ego take a backseat, and say with an inner smile, “This is my pose … and I’m sticking to it.”
Core Question: Where in your yoga practice have you been letting something external define your happiness? How about in your life? What will you do differently to practice aparigraha in these situations?
Core Pose: Heart-opening Sukhasana variation into Crossed Boat.
This is one of the poses I do to prepare for backbends. It gives all the chest-opening and upper back and core strength needed without diving too far, too fast into the lumbar curve.
Come into Sukhasana (Easy Pose). Inhale and stretch the chest and arms up as the shoulders and tailbone lengthen down.
Exhale, rock back onto the sitting bones, firm the lower abdominals, and bring fists to the outer hips for a core strength mudra I call Fists of Fire. If possible, lift your knees and/or crossed ankles off the floor.
Whatever variation you choose, make sure it’s one where you can maintain the natural curve of your lumber spine. It must draw in as you lift the legs to counteract the movement of the front body. Repeat 5 times.
The spine is the truth sayer of our lives. At least that is what my discovery has been as of late. The emotions and the tensions that may be locked in the body are going to show up in a backbend….the breath…will show up in a backbend … you are with the pose on the edge of the sword dancing. This is a beautiful account of how the spine and core play a role our emotions and most often shown….the ego. Where does the ego play in the spine of life on the edge of the sword.
Hi there,
So true…the spine is, for me, the most sacred physical part of every pose. Everything else should support it optimally and allow it to move naturally.
Of course, it took me a while to learn this, as you can see.
Thank you for sharing this poetic response!
Sadie
I really liked this Sadie!
It is a wonderful lesson in our practices (and one I an always working on)
Thank you for sharing this!
Thanks Sadie! Love this post. For me the breakthrough came in a Yoga to Sacred Music Class. Vocal cues were kept to a minimum and when the teacher announced Tree Pose as the next posture, I watched as everyone in class opened up into a unique expression of their very own tree pose. I was blown away by the beauty of it. We let go of instructions, perfection, goals, what our neighbor was doing, the right or wrong way to do the posture and tapped into our unique, creative selves. We were all moved by something inside of us and we were all beautiful. I realized that this was a pretty great metaphor for life. As for my yoga practice, well, after having this realization, I rarely compare myself or my fellow yogis in a judgmental or critical way.
thank you for this blog entry ~ it’s incredibly relevant to many challenges i’ve been facing in my life. self confidence is something i’ve always struggled with…but, whenever i’m on the mat, i feel it’s a safe place where i can truly let go and just be me. sometimes graceful, other times clumsy. it’s allllll goood :)
thank u thank u thank u!
thank you for this blog entry ~ it’s incredibly relevant to many challenges i’ve been facing in my life. self confidence is something i’ve always struggled with…but, whenever i’m on the mat, i feel it’s a safe place where i can truly let go and just be me. sometimes graceful, other times clumsy. it’s allllll goood :)
thank u thank u thank u!
Thank you, sister, for this honest look at real-life yoga! Your voice is so refreshing!
I humbly relate as a fellow yoga teacher who doesn’t naturally come by way of the Gumbie-shaped scorpion spine or fluid, swirling hips that gracefully define so many of my colleagues. Appreciating who we are and what we have at the very core of ourselves and each moment breeds true santosha (contentment) and literally sets us free!
Last year, I had to burn off a major layer of self-doubt and comparison when I was chosen to shoot a “Yoga for Weightloss” DVD. For months, I could only obsess over not having the tiny, ballerina body of so many other yoginis. In the end, speaking from my authentic experience of struggling with ‘those last 10 lbs’ was the gem which illumined the whole project.
Thank you for the reminder to not only honor who we are, but to celebrate it — because there is someone out there who needs to hear and see truth the way only we can offer it!
Thank you for this post, Sadie. What happened to your spine at that time is what happened to my knees because of inflexible hips 2 months ago. Now I’m wiser, and your article again reminded me that I should keep honoring my body and all its parts as they are.
This article is so timely for me in *many* ways at this time in my life. Thank you so much for words of wisdom and truth- they resonate and are appreciated deeply.
So, so, so very well said, Sadie! You have poignantly captured the “mat as a mirror” concept in a way that illuminated the why behind so many of my own internal–and physical–blocks. Thank you for rockin’ your truth–and helping others to do the same.
P.S. I was in your final workshop at the Boston YJ conference, and lady, you are a superstar. Can’t wait to take a class with you again sometime soon.
Sadie, my story is like yours in so many ways. I, too, nearly broke my back as a result of practicing yoga in ways inappropriate for my body, in my case a body with extreme hyper-mobility and an L4/L5 spondilolisthesis. I am now recovering from a myriad of joint injuries, injuries that have guided my path in every way. I delved into anatomy study (can’t wait for Leslie’s online course!) and transformed my practice into Back Care Yoga. As a teacher, I specialize in working with students who are injured, my purpose being to help create a world of smiling spines. The process of letting go and surrender have been a blessing. Thank you for sharing and teaching. I appreciate your voice, and it gives me the courage to share mine. Namaste, today and always.
I recently took a sacral-lumbar workshop with Tias Little and learned that most people, unsurprisingly, do not have an even sacrum. This leads to numerous lower back problems for most. With respect to deep backbends, such as full wheel, what this means is that most people are not bending with a straight spine. Because this unevenness translates into their hips, their torso, and so on, they are actually putting torque on their spine which is bad news.
With such an eye-opening revelation, I’m seriously thinking that most people (including myself) may want to rethink how deep they want to do those back-bends.
Thank you for your post – I’ve been struggling for over a year to figure out what I’m doing “wrong” that is preventing me from realizing the fluid, lovely full wheel that so many of my classmates have (seemingly) effortlessly perfected. Your post is an important reminder that yoga is a personal practice and that I should be checking in on my satisfaction with my own accomplishments rather than those around me. Namaste.
Thank you sadie,
I can relate to this pose, as most people. It is so easy to focus your energy on your hopes and dreams which is the same an on things that are not there, instead of just enjoying what is there right here right now. It is something I feel we need constant reminding off. thank you for your honesty!
Thank you sadie,
I can relate to this pose, as most people. It is so easy to focus your energy on your hopes and dreams which is the same an on things that are not there, instead of just enjoying what is there right here right now. It is something I feel we need constant reminding off. thank you for your honesty!
Thank you Sadie,
I can relate to this pose, as most people. It is so easy to focus your energy on your hopes and dreams which is the same an on things that are not there, instead of just enjoying what is there right here right now. It is something I feel we need constant reminding off.