Twenty hours ago I departed from the Entebbe Airport in Uganda and I'm still one flight away from home. As I sit here in the Newark airport Starbucks I'm filled with a flood of emotions and memories: the joy of being only hours away from seeing my family, the sadness of leaving so many behind, the smiles of the Shanti Uganda women in Kasana who danced and sang for us, the looks in the eyes of the HIV/Aids positive children at the New Hope orphanage when we said good bye to them, watching my fellow seva challengers work so hard in the mud and rain side by side with the men, women and children of the surrounding villages to help build a school through Building Tomorrow.
Going to Uganda through The Off The Mat Into The World 2010 Seva Challenge was a little like doing a strong shot of Tequila. It was fast and furious, incredibly powerful and once it began there was no turning back. And like downing a strong shot, while I felt the initial jolt of the experience immediately, I have a feeling that my strongest responses are still to come. Not only am I certain that we made a difference in the lives of so many, but that I gained invaluable insight into myself: both where I shine and where I need to continue to work to break down the walls that keep me from truly stepping into my own power, my own truth.
I look forward to the days, weeks, months, and perhaps even years that I will spend digesting these past 2 weeks. I know that the ripples of this experience will carry me to new and beautiful places filled with the deep waves of joy and inner peace that can only be felt through our continuous efforts to serve others and to serve the God that dwells within each one of us.
If anyone out there reading this blogg is trying to decided wether or not to participate in next years 2011 Seva Challenge, I would like to put in a strong vote for, "Do It!". The process of fund raising can be difficult at times but as Krishna teaches us in chapter 2 of the the Bhagavad Gita:
"On this path of Yoga, no effort is wasted and there is no failure. Even a little effort towards spiritual awareness will protect you from the greatest fears"
In other words, any amount money and awareness you raise will carry with it them karmic seeds of positive change both for the recipient of your efforts and for you. Take that first step. Make the commitment to try and see where the universe leads you.
This is my experience in a nutshell: The Ugandan culture is complex, confusing and contradictory. Parts of it are endearing, warm and wonderful; others I can't even begin to wrap my head around.
On this trip, the OTM Uganda Seva Challenge group traveled pretty extensively through the cities and countryside villages, and what grabbed me most is the resounding spirit of a resilient and strong Ugandan people. I have witnessed extreme poverty, deadly pandemic disease, ungodly sanitation, as well as toxic air and water quality, yet wherever I went, I also noticed an underlying authentic joy, trust and a richness in community that I actually yearn for in my own community at home.
That said, there is a very strange dynamic; a juxtaposition of customs and morals. Some of what I've heard and observed that exemplifies this is below.
A local land owner and village community chairman (kind of like a Mayor) called Sam, told our group about the incredible Central Ugandan customs and rituals to honor the dead. Ugandans will often exhaust everything they have for funerals, even going without eating, to honor their dead. There are days and days of sacred pomp and ceremony. As Sam explains the rituals, I am filled with a sense of awe. I think: 'Wow, in States its typically a 2 hour viewing, then a couple of songs, a prayer or two, a few kind words and done."
In contrast, I'm told that in Uganda there is stigma and dishonor in being widowed. A widow is often chased off the land she rightfully inherits, and is forced to surrender everything after her husband dies.
Another example. One of our amazing guides and guardians for this trip was an Ugandan man named Joseph. He is the Country Director for Building Tomorrow, the international NGO which builds schools for vulnerable children all over sub-Saharan Africa. As our group was returning from an excursion one night, we noticed that for the most part local shopkeepers leave their goods outside rather than locking them up indoors. Joseph explains that the goods left out won't be stolen because there is a community agreement about stealing. If the thief is caught, community members, not police, go after the perpetrators. Men caught stealing are beaten, while a female thief is forced to walk down the street naked after community members rip the clothes off her back. As he told me about the community agreement my first thought was: "There is no way that anything left unguarded outside a store in LA or New York would be there the next morning, no way!"
However, this is the same Uganda where it is common and customary for a woman to be a chased by a man and if she can outrun or outfight him, she wins her freedom, but, if he physically overcomes her, she is raped and forced to become his wife.
One more. The able-bodied men, woman and children of Gayaza Village sing and pray as they haul wheelbarrows, carry bricks on their heads, and build walls for their Building Tomorrow/OTM community school. Again, I think: "In my town, this is done by a company that has little connection to the actual community. How incredibly cool would it be to have community members working on our local schools."
Yet, although up to 65% of people in communities like Gayaza Village have HIV, men, women and children known to have the disease are often humiliated, shunned and disgraced. Further still, this is the country that has introduced a law so punitive towards homosexuality that some human rights groups say that it would allow authorities to imprison and even kill homosexuals.
Yes, this culture is complex, confusing and contradictory. However, the more that I think about it, I recognize that there is a good probability that statement is true for all cultures.
And then I re-member my yoga. Yoga classes around the world often begin and end with the greeting Namaste'. For me, namaste has become so much more than a nice word or greeting. It is a way of being, a foundational way of life that invites me to find God in every moment, person, event or circumstance - even the complex, confusing and contradictory ones. That's what the mystics of old did and those of today do. So that's what I practice - right here, right now - even though, I often can't explain, don't understand and many times don't succeed. However, in every cell of my being I know that in the words of one of my favorite teachers "everything happens exactly the way it is suppose to happen in order for our souls to transform." So I just keep doing what I know to do - practice.
If you can walk you can dance, if you can talk you can sing - Zimbabwean Proverb
We have been here in Uganda for close to two weeks now and I am in utter bliss! Throughout this entire trip, each time we make our way to our destination, we are greeted by profoundly joyful songs and dances. The 20 women chosen to become staff at the Birthing Center created a welcome birthing tunnel of sorts and as each of us danced our way through the greeting lines we were sung to and strung with copious necklaces made of the paper beads that are such a strong part of the commerce and sustainability of this place. Then as we gathered in the straw thatched round "community house" where community meetings are held and decisions made, we were treated to songs in Swahili and English with each woman introducing herself by singing her name and as the dancing began some of us were plucked out into the center to tie around our waist the fur covered bustle that is made to enhance our behind and shakes like a giant lions tail. And we in turn sang back ...a song we had sung together in yoga that morning...a reminder to be present to the gifts around us..."see through my eyes, sing through my voice, open my heart, to the beauty of the world." As we arrived in the Shanti Uganda village for a bonfire and feast under the stars, another procession by the women and children playing plastic water jugs for drums and smiling as they welcomed us into the dance. Then I brought out my own drum, at first playing with the children as they gathered around and then finally gathering the whole village into a snakelike spiral dance that erupted into applause and celebration. Later that evening, as I sat by the fire, I tried my own hand at the water container drum and sang with the 15 or so local children, improvising and exchanging nonverbal melody lines in the universal language of sound. At the New Hope School, a more formal line of boys and girls comprised a chorus that sang a well rehearsed welcome song in English and that stuck in our heads for days "for our God is good and allowed you to come... we are happy to see you today!" And finally at the Building Tomorrow site, the unforgettable sight of 150 children gathered to meet us and all taking turns at playing whatever rhythm I banged out on the drum right back to me - most with an amazing and natural sense of timing and rhythm. That same number of kids following Seane and Nikki as they contorted their bodies into the funniest of yoga poses and remembered long sequences of dance moves as led by Victoria (who is now "reinspired" to bring dance to children). Every day in so many ways, we were surrounded by this unselfconscious expression of the life force and joy of using our bodies and voices as instruments of beauty. As a musician and teacher I have dedicated my life to helping others find their own voice and feel safe and empowered enough to give it form...and I come up against the fear, self consciousness and perfectionism that keeps all of that truth and beauty stifled and silent. I have worked to release those critical voices inside of myself and to help others to truly appreciate the joy that comes from creating art in each moment. I am not talking about the Art that we buy and sell and which must be packaged and sold to the over saturated ears of western culture but the sheer joy of allowing sound and movement to come through us. The sheer sensuality and aliveness that lies at the heart of each of us...an innocent and childlike voice, a voice that can express the full range of our human experience without thought to how it sounds and with only a willingness toward how it feels. This, in my opinion is our birthright and this is what brings us closer to our own divinity and this is how I wish to celebrate life in all its glorious complexity and this is what I love. I will never forget sitting on the red earth of Africa, surrounded with laughing children as we sang song after song into the starry skies together. More real, more alive and more truly grounded than ever before. My hope is that every child (and every child inside every adult) can find their own song and know the freedom that can come from allowing that song to be sung - into the beauty of the world.
Today was my last day with the kids at the Building Tomorrow school construction site. There was a mixture of work and hands on quality time with the children. We brought many activities to engage with them. There was drumming, jump roping, stickers, balloons, bubbles, coloring, singing and many hugs and pictures. It was overwhelming emotionally. I spent about an hour putting stickers on all of the kids and at one point "we are the world" came on the radio...I sang the words to them..."We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving. There's a choice we're making...we're saving our own lives. It's true we make a brighter day, just you and me". Does everyone remember how it felt to watch that video when it came out? All different singers uniting for a beautiful cause. It was so inspiring, so full of love and life and hope. I just LIVED that video today. It was ME singing those words to these children in Africa. And it was absolutely surreal. This whole experience has been a gift from God. It has opened my eyes, my heart, and has deepened my willingness to connect with myself and others. Thank you to all of you who have participated in my journey. You have effected the lives of so, so many people on a level you will never fully know. God bless you all...
"When we are dreaming alone it is only a dream. When we are dreaming with others, it is the beginning of reality." Dom Helder Camara
Only half of Uganda's children finish primary school. Less than half of those children go on to secondary school, and less than half of those go on to university. I see those statistics and begin to feel hopeless. This week, I saw a rural village in Uganda come together to build a school and I felt nothing but hope. We arrived at the Building Tomorrow work site and were greeted by parents, grandparents, community leaders and, as always, plenty of children who instead of being in school, were showing up to build a school. There were songs, speeches, handshakes, and hugs. Then we all grabbed hoes and we got to work. We spent the next three days side by side in the scorching heat and in the pouring rain. We shared stories, sweat, songs, and laughter and, brick by brick, we built a school that will educate over 400 children each year. These children are not just statistics anymore. They have names and personalities; they have joyful hearts and eager minds...and now, they will have a school.
I have never met a child in the U.S. who has built his or her own school. I have decorated my children's classrooms back home, but I have yet to meet a parent there who has laid the foundation or dug the latrine. As I watched mothers with babies strapped to their backs swinging hoes and young giggling girls balancing bricks on their heads, I knew I was witnessing something more than just a construction site. This was a dream site. This community wasn't there to build walls with us; they were there to build a dream. A dream that will grow day by day, brick by brick. A dream that will, hopefully, extend beyond those very walls and that small plot of land. A dream that could very well someday change the statistical landscape of Uganda. I feel honored to have lifted a hoe, laid a brick, and shared the dream.
We are heading back to the Building Tomorrow work site today. My muscles, physical and emotional, are tired and sore. Like any muscle that has been overworked, my heart is beginning to show signs of fatigue. I wonder how far I can stretch it. I worry that my reach isn't far enough. I want to hold this pose as long as I can, but I know there are other postures that are just as important. I have children at home who need me too. They have warm beds, clean clothes, plenty of food, and wonderful schools, but they need their mother as much as any of the children here. They are part of the reason I am here. I want them to have dreams, I want them to know they can make a difference, I want them to witness their world up close---even the parts of it that aren't easy to look at. Our hearts can become weak and lazy if we don't use them enough. I will keep stretching mine as far as I can while I am here with the children of Uganda. Then I will return home and wrap it around my own children.
It takes a village to raise a child. African Proverb
Today it took a village to raise a school. I was happy to be a small part of that village. We drove an hour out of Kampala to a rural community where the children either do not attend school or have to walk a great distance each day to do so. We were greeted by a group of perhaps 100 community members. We took turns making bricks, hauling bricks, and laying them down one by one. We worked side by side with children, parents, and grandparents. We watched a wall go up brick by brick, a wall that will one day be part of a school that will serve some 400 children. Today I felt like I was making a difference. I may be just one person, but I am part of a village, a world village.
Today was a "rest day" for us to personally reflect on the happenings of the trip thus far and to prepare ourselves for our final three days of intense work. We had a 2-hour long yoga practice in the morning, and Seane gave us a lot to think about. In the spirit of Valentine's Day, she brought into question how we've been showing up and expressing love in our own lives, before and during our experiences in Uganda. How will we carry our new ideas of authentic love back to our everyday lives? What do we need to accept about our past in order to truly let go and love bigger? A lot of people had an emotional release. It took me a while to get there, but eventually, with the help of the Beatles playing in the background, I did. I realized that I'm still holding onto a lot of the sadness of 2009--the death of several loved ones. The fear of death itself. I'm always making acute adjustments in my perspective so that I can better handle this fear, but it keeps showing up again and again in the faces of the women and children I meet here in Uganda. Despite their contagious joy, my sadness lingers.
The women and children here do not latch onto their traumas and circumstances. They are constantly releasing emotions through passionate song and dance. Perhaps the men are so aggressive because they do not engage in these traditions. Most Ugandan men are addicted to alcohol, drugs, sexual abuse or power. They are acting out because, like most Americans, they are not moving the negative energy out of their bodies naturally. I can certainly relate to their struggles, and am so grateful for the support systems in my life that encourage the release of tension in my heart and in my hips every day. :)
I found out last night that I am the youngest woman on this trip. I am the baby. There are several life lessons that I have yet to experience, and I must remain patient with myself. I cannot be so critical and hard on myself. I must love myself and trust in my deepest truths to continue to love and serve others effectively. I think this will be my mantra for the decade.
Today, I sat and took the time to remember all of the great loves of my life. My very first valentines--Mom, Dad, and Grammy. The crushes, the necessary heartbreaks. My beautiful companion, Christopher. And especially, today, all of the 23 women here with me in Uganda, sharing an experience that will bind us together in love forever. You are all my valentines and I thank Spirit for this incredible opportunity to serve.
There are hard facts of life here in Uganda. You can find depressing statistics about the incidence of rape, the HIV percentages or the challenge of educating girls. All have so much effect on what it means to be a women here...but its really not so different at home in North America. Maybe that's why it was so hard to write this because in all of the women we meet I see my mother and my sister and myself.
There are equally positive statistics to quote about the number of women in government in Uganda and the ways the government is trying to get more girls into post secondary schools and all of the work that the people we meet are doing.
I met with a journalist friend here who is writing about the gay community in Kampala and the proposed new bill. He is looking to write a story on a lesbian who has been raped. I think he was expecting me to be shocked to find out that that is what happens to 'cure' lesbianism here. But the rape story has been told over and over and over to us in so many ways that I wasn't shocked. I just added it to the list of the how's and the why's it can be difficult to be a woman.
And then we were at a birth.
I lack the words to describe the power and the beauty of that experience.
This 17 year old girl, who was alone with her sister, who is now a mother has quite a job in front of her. That baby girl might have the odds against her but I have to be hopeful for her future.
Mothers, sisters, daughters, women get to be all of those. I will get to be all of those.
At 32 years old, I did not arrive in Uganda a girl but I feel like I am leaving a woman.
I had dinner at a womans house named Bubeera last night. She lived in a 6'x8' room with her 10 year old daughter. (her 3 sons hours away with their grandmother). We sat on the floor and ate by lantern light/cell phone flashlight.
She is HIV+. She is alone and raising her child. She is very very lucky.
Bubeera was chosen out of 600 applicants to be part of Shanti Uganda's www.shantiuganda.org <http://www.shantiuganda.org> income generating group. They make jewellery out of paper beads which they also make. This group brought 26 women together chosen for their dire circumstances (to qualify you have to be HIV+, widowed or raising children/grandchildren on your own) and they are taught how to make the jewellery, run a business, and manage money. They have a self elected leader and full control over all of their profits. The money they make is used to pay for their homes, send their children/grandchildren to school and to buy better more nutritious food. Better food improves their health which makes it easier to deal with HIV.
So, Bubeera is lucky. Lucky that she now has some control of her life. Lucky that she now has some choices. Her daughter is lucky too...as now she has a chance at going to school. Pardon my over simplification but education is the key to poverty.
They say you educate a woman and you educate a village/nation. I think you give a girl access to education and you give a girl access to choice.
After visiting the clinic, we spent the next 2 days at the construction site of the new birthing center, the very center each our donors contributed to when they donated to this project! It was very exciting to participate in building the center and to know that these women were going to have a beautiful place to go with plenty of clean water, brand new supplies, proper medicine and a comfortable place to rest while they are in labor and after they give birth. We learned how to make bricks and lay them. It was extremely hard work. They don't have equipment like we do at home...everything is done the HARD WAY. My most touching moment at this sight was witnessing a 90 year old woman show up to hoe the garden. She didn't speak any English but she came and sat down next to me, placed her hand in mine, and spoke to me. I learned that she had fallen down and hurt her leg. Her knee was swollen. She walked all the way from her home to the site and back every Wednesday to participate in this project. To put things in perspective, I was tired after working there for 2 hours and we were able to take a bus back to the hotel. This woman walked all the way back to her home with a hurt leg and in the intense heat after she worked all day. I was beside myself. I couldn't help but to break down in tears. It has taken me 3 full days to move past that moment. Experiences like this challenge you on every level. They bring forward emotions like gratitude, joy, sorrow, grief, hope, shame, guilt, and so so so much love. I was absolutely humbled...and so thankful to have shared that time with her.
One of the most important parts about this trip is the yoga our group leaders Seane and Suzanne so graciously lead all 23 of us through first thing each morning. Many of you are wondering how I can be exposed to such circumstances day after day and be able to handle and process it accordingly. The answer to this question is the yoga practice. Each morning we are led through a series of movements which enable us to open our bodies, minds, and spirits. This is done in such a way that we are able to release our stored tension and bottled up emotions so that we are able to move into our day clear and open to the new experiences in store for us. At the end of most days we reconnect for group processing, which consists of 1-2 hours of sharing our experiences about what we are witnessing. The morning and evening gatherings are designed to help us work through our internal issues so that we can be as effective as possible out in the community. There are a lot of tears but with them an unfathomable amount of support available at all times.
On February 13th we went to the New Hope School and Orphanage. I painted flouride on all of the kids teeth and it was adorable how willing they were to accept the treatment. There were about 80 kids at the orphanage, all HIV positive and from ages 7 months into their teens. The money raised for the orphanage went to new mattresses (all of the kids slept in stacked up bunk beds 3 high in one small room), a new water filtration system (because they had no clean water)...as well as a garden to grow food. We brought them tons of activities including paper and crayons, frisbees, books, soccer balls, stickers, jump ropes, etc... they were SO HAPPY and excited. They sang to us and played with us. We read them books, took and printed pictures for all of them, painted a mural on the wall, taught them yoga, and educated them about dental care. $150,000 of our fund raising went into that orphanage...money well spent. The interesting and very moving part about the orphanage was the manner in which the children engaged and disengaged with us. They wanted to be part of our group and the activities which we offered, but they were careful not to get too close to us because they are used to abandonment and the pain associated with it. In addition, they are used to a high turnover in teachers so they really don't have a constant caretaker in their lives. Anyone who shows up eventually disappears. One child came and held my hand as we were walking through the grass. She looked up at me with hope in her eyes and asked if I was going to come back again. I had to tell her "no". She looked down at the ground full of sadness. The children had blank stares on their faces when we were packing up to leave. We gave them a short burst of extreme love and happiness, only to have to leave them as they have been left many times before. This was very difficult for me to process. I contemplated whether or not our visit did more harm than good and it reminded me of the saying, "better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all". All in all, I decided it was definitely better to have loved them for the short time we had!
"Souls don't have races or sexes or religions. They are beyond artificial divisions." Beliefs separate, loving thoughts unite us. Today started off with intrigue, curiosity, excitement and ended with joy, yet sorrow. The orphanage was built first with a vision, then came the passion, then it took strength to reach out and New Hope School and Orphanage was born. The man who started it was Godfrey in 1997. He started New Hope on his own. The kids are street kids - some have no mothers, some have no fathers, some have neither. Most of the children are HIV+. New Hope provides a safe environment to educate, learn and thrive. In order to do so it takes visitors like us, OTM, to raise money and support these children so they have clean water, food, shelter, and education. OTM has helped this year by creating a water filtration system, supplying mattresses, and school supplies. Upon arrival we were greeted with song in our native language from the children that made my heart dance with joy:
It's a long, long way from oh Canada to Uganda
Passing over mountains and sandy rivers
But our God is good who has allowed you to come
We are happy to see you today
All day long we were engaged in activities with the children. We played with frisbees, jump roped, read books, parachute games, and engaged in playful yoga postures. Leaving the games on our way back to join others, one of the children grabbed my hand. It made me realize how the children crave any sort of human contact, love, or affection of any kind. During the course of the day many pictures were taken of these beautiful children. At one point I turned to show the children their picture through my camera lens. They giggled with excitement at their own reflection. I realized right then, how much we take for granted - some of these children might have never seen a reflection of themselves before. We left a mural on their school wall so dreams and the magic will and can continue. Leaving the school was hard for most of us. A feeling of sadness loomed when asked when will we return? The children of New Hope are thriving for love, support and just a hug. I hope I can go back and give each of them a hug. I hope that other volunteers continue to build on this wonderful foundation. It became apparent to me that a sponsorship program is needed at New Hope in order for these children to continue on this positive path of learning and growing, feeling safe and loved. I am so humbled and honored to be part of these children's lives.
I can barely feel my hands. Today I helped birth a baby girl. I feel a very deep vibration.
The image of 5 women holding one as she was going through the process of bringing a life into the world is one that is going to stay with me forever.
The following is an excerpt of an email I wrote to my mom...I hope she doesn't mind but its probably the most real reaction I am going to get down...
I helped birth a baby today. It made me want to talk to you.
and when I say I helped birth a baby I mean I saw everything and was holding her leg when the baby came out. It was the most intense thing ever. I cried.
It was so weird - there was no baby and then there she was all slimy and gross and crying and being manhandled and held upside down by her feet.
The mom who was 17 years old and named Myriam was 8 centimeters when we arrived at the birthing center (um, I thought we were just going to be getting a tour) and she was in labour and we helped. Sarah who is on the trip with us is an actual doula and there was a lady getting a c-section so she went in to help in that room and we (me heather and amanda) worked with our mom. We held her hands and helped her walk around outside, tried to get her to stretch and squat, drink water. She was scared. Sarah had a wicked bag full of tricks...lotion and oils and stuff that really seemed to help but when it was time, well, right before the time time, she was on the floor and I had her head in my lap and my hands under her shoulders and there were 2 women on either side of her and we were all basically holding her. She didn't know us and we didn't know her but I felt so connected to everyone...and everything.
It wasn't pretty or easy but then there was a baby...I feel like my soul is vibrating a little.
When we left mama was doing okay - she asked for a coke
The whole thing made me think of you and I hope that you felt supported and safe when you were going through and that someone was holding your hand. And that someone gave you a coke afterwards.
So, I can't seem to stop crying. The reality of giving birth in Africa has many shocking things but I am going to leave this one here...
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