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This has been a sad and somber week for me. I'm preparing a trip to the Yoga Journal Conference in Colorado—something that I couldn't be more excited about—but, that means I can't teach my yoga class this week. This makes me very sad in light of the sudden interest in my class and amazing gush of enthusiastic students.
I have to find a substitute for my next class. I know it's necessary to keep the momentum alive and all that, but I'll be honest with you—I don't wanna.
First of all, subs are hard to come by. I've already asked all of the teachers that I know well and completely trust, and all of them are teaching other classes. This can only mean I am going to have to arrange something with someone I don't know well, and trust that she or he will inspire and motivate a group of teenagers who know very little about yoga (many of whom have had only one yoga class or are completely green). I know, from experience, that this can very quickly go wrong.
In fact, there are SO many things that could go awry, I get butterflies in the pit of my stomach to even think about it. I'm worried about the logistics of the tricky door that has a history of locking poor, unsuspecting students out. I worry that my class will think that a substitute yoga teacher means the same thing that a substitute teacher often means in school: a chance to be completely unruly. (Although, I can't really imagine my yoga angels being SO unruly.) And, of course, I worry that someone will get hurt, and I will be responsible even though I'm not there.
To be even more honest, what I'm most worried about is that my students (especially the regular students who have been taking classes with me for a while) will really love the substitute teacher—more than they like me. I can already image the cries of, "But that's not how [fill in the sub's name here] taught it!" and "Can we please have [fill in the name again] come back next week?" It's selfish and horrible and an obvious testament that I'm insecure about my teaching abilities. But it's oh so real—and all I can do is venture to learn from it.
I guess non-attachment will be my mantra until these feelings pass.
Comments
Erica,
First I want to say I really enjoy your blog. As a fairly new yoga teacher myself, I really appreciate this forum because I share the same questions and insecurities. I too find it hard to find subs for my classes, but I always trust that I will find one and luckily do. I also worried the first time I had a sub, my students would like her more than me, but than I stepped back from my ego... It's not about them liking you; it's about them discovering, enjoying and learning. If a new perspective/voice is what they need, it doesn't diminish who you are as a teacher. Easier said than done but look at it as "change is good." Plus, I know you'll return next week, arriving to their eager, shining faces.
Posted by: Marjie | September 26, 2007 04:38 PM
I enjoyed reading your blog as well, thank you for sharing your honesty. I think that it is important to remember that teaching yoga is not about you, it is about your students and helping them grow and learn. Ego is one of the hardest desires to fight. The other way to think of it is, maybe they will be upset that there is a sub there and that it isn't you teaching. Because obviously if they are coming to your classes than they do want you to teach them. I know I would be saddened if I went to a certain class with a teacher I wanted to teach me and they were not there, so really it is the other way around. It is a valid concern but no matter what you believe or feel remember the universe is unfolding as it should. I hope you are feeling better about the situation now.
Posted by: Paige | October 2, 2007 11:29 PM
Dear Erica,
I understand your frustration. I have started a little yoga class from nothing, first doing it for free, now I teach for a minimum price and try to encourage more and more people to experience the benefits of Yoga. Unfortunately/fortunatly I am going away for two months ! Just as I bought my airplane ticket I discovered that I have 10 new people joining the classes - oh, what a great joy and terror! Becuase they all are coming back and decided to sing up for 6 weeks session and I have to leave! I was happy top find out that there will be a substitue teacher for 6 weeks out of the two months of my absence and the teacher is of course more educated, more experienced, more everything...well, I hope that when I come back, I still have My little yoga class and people waiting for me to continue my yoga experiment/class. I hope that during those two months I learn more from yoga by increasing my practice and the students from the class learn more from the other teacher to only integrate my style and her style into their own style of yoga and personal experience. Keep your blog alive and continue to share and experience our share of worries/questions/comments/....
Posted by: Beata Heczkova | October 29, 2007 05:02 AM