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Growing Pains

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I know you'll all find this very hard to believe, but I was never the most popular girl in school. Don't get me wrong, I had my share of friends, but I was no Plastic (pardon the Mean Girls reference). For most of high school, I had a general distaste for anyone who wasn't in my own, comfortable group of friends. I was self-conscious, shy, and angst-ridden.

This week, I had the pleasure of giving a presentation about yoga to a group of high school students at Palo Alto High School's International Fair. When the PTSA parents saw me, they immediately emphasized the importance of keeping my name tag lest I be mistaken for a student. (Just what every 23-year-old wants to hear!) Being in a high school setting again, with all the rules and rowdy kids, all of those feelings I remember so vividly from my own high school days came bubbling up again. I felt self-conscious, timid, and alone. For a brief moment, I questioned why I keep putting myself out there—only to be greeted with rolled eyes and crossed arms.

But when I began to talk about yoga, I remembered how it had dramatically changed my life. Even though I had my lame 90s Power Point presentation—complete with yoga misconception jokes and tidbits about yoga history and philosophy—my own, personal account kept spewing from my mouth.

I shared that I had taken the SAT and ACT a combined total of six times, but my scores were never good enough—in part because I had believed my entire future was riding on my scores in Verbal and Math. I talked about how yoga had changed my diet, and how I had come to appreciate the people around me more. (I managed to spare them the story about how, during my first yoga class I had to wipe the tears away every time I settled into Savasana—and how it took me two more years of practice to understand where those tears came from.) By complete accident, the professional presentation I had rehearsed the night before morphed into something much more personal. If there was any chance that I could spark the interest of just ONE of these students, it would all be worthwhile. I just hoped I hadn't lost them by seeming like I believe yoga is a miraculous cure-all. I led them in a few simple stretches, breathing techniques, and other yoga tricks I've learned along the way to help me deal with stress.

When my presentation was over, two girls shyly approached me. "We're your biggest fans," said one of the girls. "We love yoga." I was stunned. Fans? Seriously? They had to be mocking me. "Where do you teach your class?" That was all I needed to make me feel like a confident, comfortable grown-up again. It made me realize that even though I'm young myself, I still have a lot to offer.

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Comments

Hi Erica,

I am trying to work up the courage to enter a teacher training program, not to teach, but to delve deeper for myself. So, I've been reading your blog :)

I too leaked tears, ok, poured tears out of the sides of my eyes, during savasana in my first class. I still have this happen occasionally. I was wondering what led you to having the courage to recognize what was the cause? Did you just stick with your daily practice and meditations? I am not trying to be overly nosy, but am curious. I apologize if this is an intrusive inquiry.

Thanks for your time,
Kelly

Kelly,

Thanks for taking the time to ask this question. I don't think I ever figured out the cause of the emotion I felt in the early phase of my yoga practice... I don't think I'll ever know.

My theory is that I'd stored emotions in the muscles in my body for years and years. And when I got into those muscles and stretched them out for the first time in all those years, the emotions and feelings came out in the form of tears.

Sticking with my daily practice has helped me to keep working on those places in my body that hold my emotions--whether it's stress, anxiety, sadness, or anger.

I'm sure it's different for everybody, but yoga is my therapy. And I don't have to lie on a couch and talk to a therapist to find the root of my emotions for everything for it to be OK.. I found that, through my practice, I can just begin let those things go.

Best,
Erica

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