Meditation has always been difficult for me. I can never stay in the moment. Over the last few months, I’ve made a commitment to myself to practice meditating every night. It hasn’t been easy, and I haven’t felt any results, since I still can’t quiet my mind when I try to sit in stillness. But I had a sort of breakthrough last week.
While at my family cabin in Lake Tahoe for the Thanksgiving weekend, I had a pile of essays to write, reading to finish, and studying to do. The house was loud, with more than 20 family members talking, eating, laughing and walking around; it was hardly a perfect place to concentrate. Strangely though, despite the noise and craziness, I was able to finish reading Gandhi’s autobiography and understand it enough to interpret it into an essay. I didn’t realize until later, but I was practicing meditation through studying.
I have never been able to focus so intently on my schoolwork with noise and chaos buzzing around me. Meditation is training me to intently apply myself to whatever task is in front of me. My instructor reassured me that sitting meditation and poses like Savasana can, for some people, be more challenging than the physically strenuous poses like Adho Mukha Vrksasana (Handstand) and Bakasana (Crane Pose). I always felt comfortable with the vinyasa flows, because it’s easy to distract myself from my daily stress when I’m flowing from pose to pose. The quieter poses, which require inward attention, make me uneasy and I squirm and resist letting go. But with patience, I am making progress in my practice.
My yoga class this past Monday night started and ended with five minutes of meditation. I sat still without scratching, fidgeting, or opening my eyes. I was completely centered inside myself. When the instructor used her Tibetan singing bowl to signal us to return our attention to the room, I felt warmth and light flowing through my body, and left class energized. When I got home, I easily finished another essay and studied for an hour.
Yoga and meditation are helping me to get through the hardest semester of my college career. I realize how much mediation is improving my ability to be present in the moment and study, and to absorb what I’m learning. Later this month, when my finals are over, I plan to go to the San Francisco Zen Center to learn more about meditation. While the physical side of yoga is important, I want to explore the internal process as well. Nothing is a quick fix for the distractions in life, but maybe with inner focus I can at least learn to accept the difficulties with confidence in my ability to find peace, even in chaos.
Jessica Belluomini
