Doing the Best I Can

With a month left to turn in my application to graduate school for a creative writing program, I’m having a lot of doubts about my abilities as a writer. I have to complete 20 pages of sample writing, and nothing I produce seems to be good enough.



I’ve always been extremely self-critical and a perfectionist. I’m also controlling; since childhood I have always tried to control my circumstances, and felt like a failure when I couldn’t. These aren’t qualities that I take pride in.

 I realize that in life, things happen, and I can’t control anything except for the way I react. But even the idea of life’s unpredictability sometimes overwhelms me to the point that I feel completely helpless.



Like right now, with this grad school application. I went into the process with an open mind and heart, telling myself that if I’m meant to be in this program, it will happen. If not, I’m meant to do something else. Unfortunately, my intention to feel this way is easier in theory. Instead, I’m finding that my need for perfection and control are getting the better of me, making me doubt whether I am a good enough writer for the program and to make this a career. 



A friend and I were discussing our shared talent for self-depreciation and inability to just let go and let fate take over. She asked me if I have ever felt that I loved myself. Honestly, I had to say no. I have never felt that way. While I’m getting there slowly through yoga and self-discovery, I’m not there yet. 



But her question made me think. If I loved myself, maybe I’d feel more confident in my writing. Maybe I’d feel proud that I put my all into things that I care about, no matter what the outcome. Maybe I’d trust that I’m on my own path and doing exactly what I need to move to the next step in my life. 



This week when I sat down at my computer to work on my application, I decided to tune out my inner voice and to just let go of my desire to control what happens once this application leaves my hands. All I can do is write from my heart, and trust my voice and my words. As soon as I did that, the words started flowing out of me.



I believe in striving for the best of my abilities, but I can’t do any more than try my best. That has to be enough.



No one is perfect, and honestly, how boring would we all be if we were?