The other day I was in a fender bender, ironically, while taking my truck to the shop for a tune up. Adrenaline shot through my body, and before I even thought about my safety, my mind went straight to worrying about how much money and time the damage to my truck is going to cost, as well as the stress this whole ordeal will add to my busy life.
We both pulled our cars to the side of the street, and the other driver apologetically handed me her insurance information explaining that she had been rushing because she was late. Within half an hour, she drove off, and I was now fretting that I would be late for my internship at Yoga Journal and how this would impact the rest of my day. Just then I realized that this kind of worrying and rushing was exactly what the other driver had been doing when she hit me.
So I sat in my car and decided to practice pranayama. I breathed and meditated on the fact that I was in one piece and thankful to be safe. Fifteen minutes later I felt grounded enough to move on with my day. Whenever my mind wandered to obsessing over the damage to my car, I reminded myself to breathe and be grateful I was OK.
This is a restless time in my life; I am hitting an important crossroads. In May I’ll be graduating from San Francisco State University with a degree in journalism, and I need to make a decision whether to pursue grad school or look for a full time career. The decision process is overwhelming and sometimes all I want to do to tune out to a bunch of bad TV and not think about it.
I know not being fully present will rob me of the chance to enjoy the excitement, and, yes, insecurity, of this time in my life. Being in the moment, even the crazy ones, keeps me motivated to work hard and get myself on the right path. But, like most people, staying present isn’t easy for me. I’m always thinking about the future or the past or am otherwise unable to just be in the here and now.
My current schedule doesn’t help. Aside from school and my internship, I work three part time jobs. I’m constantly thinking about my next responsibility and how to get it all done. When I have a free moment, like in yoga class, my mind still wanders and I have trouble committing to just my mat.
That’s why I have decided to dedicate my yoga practice to finding a way to be present and aware in each moment.
I’m still waiting for my car to be repaired. And I will need to take time out of my schedule to deal with it. But I’m striving to accept this delay and let the worry go until the time comes when I need to handle it. As for post-graduation, I still have no idea what I’ll do. But as stressful as this time in my life is, and uncertain, I know that I want to be present to experience it, to enjoy the exhilaration of the unknown.
Jessica Belluomini
